Abandonment & Sexual Abuse

Get Me The Hell Out Of Here!

People like me are lucky to even be alive let alone be able to help others recover from sex, love, romance

addiction, co-sex addiction or sexual avoidance addiction.

Make no mistake about it childhood trauma & abuse caused me to become sexually addicted.

I had to do something as my pain was just to much for any child to have to bare.

I was born a bastard child.

I have never talked to or met the man who was my father.

I had to take on the pain of my mother who was obviously deceived by him & cruelly & sadistically abandoned

by him before I was born.

He was married & had two children but never disclosed that fact to her which suggest he was more than likely

sexually addicted.

I can not imagine how she felt.

Actually I know how she felt because I was there with her in her womb

& had to take on her negative feelings

before

I was even born.

That is how life began for me & I had no choice in the matter.

I remember my mother

, my older sister

& I moving in with a lot of older

looking

men when I was very young.

She would do house work & cook for them in exchange for allowing her

, my sister

& me to live with them.

I was very young & have no idea whether or not she was sleeping with any of these men but I have my

suspicions because I was the second of her children born out of wedlock & the second child abandoned by

it's biological father.

It is fair for me to say my mother had at the very least mental problems & more than likely from what I know &

observed addictions to

either

sex, love, romance

or co-sex addiction.

My mother was in fact a victim of childhood trauma & abuse according to people who were aware of that fact.

She left home at the age of 15 to escape her abusers & moved in with an Aunt who lived alone.

She had a boyfriend during her High School years she had planned to marry after she had graduated.

He entered the US Army after graduating from High School & was sent to France where he was killed in action

just two weeks after his arrival.

I can not imagine how devastating that was to her being a trauma & abuse victim whose greatest fear is in fact

always the fear of abandonment.

My mother had to work & with two

illegitimate

children & no child support from my father she had to find people

who would be willing to babysit my sister & I while she was away at work for the day.

Because of her problems with mental illness I do not feel she was capable of always making wise choices.

She moved in with a couple who agreed to babysit my sister & I while she was at work & provide us room &

board for a specific amount of money each month.

When she got home from work one day she discovered that I had black & blue welts all over my body which

had beg

n to swell

My sister

told my mother that they had beat me with a belt buckle over & over again because I would not stop

crying.

I was one year old & my sister was three years old.

She called the police immediately & told them what

they had done

to me.

The man of the house

broke into

her

room & tried to rape my mother after she discovered my abuse.

The police arrived on the scene while he was in the process of trying to rape her.

They discovered the couple had a 7 year old boy chained up

totally

naked in their basement.

They were arrested, the boy was rescued & their other children were taken away from them.

They were convicted of attempted rape, child abuse

child

neglect & sent off to prison.

Being only one year old I do not remember being beaten by them but my body does

I we

t the

bed every night & chewed off all of my fingernails until they bled until I was 18 years old.

When I was three years old another babysitter forced eggs down my throat which made me vomit

& then she forced my vomit down my throat with a big silver spoon while she raged & beat on me with a real

angry mean look in her eyes & face. She forced me to eat my own puke? Talk about a sick

person?

To this day when I see that look on another person's face I dissociate immediately & go into a rage.

This

abuse event

set me up to get into a lot of abusive bare knuckle street fights later on in life.

They would have that look in her eyes & on her face & I would attack immediately without further thought.

It mattered not

it was one or five of them at the same time

I would attack & I never lost a fight.

They learned real quick that

fooling

with someone like me turned out to be a real mistake.

I was very hard, slim & very quick & down they would go one by one. They never knew what hit them.

Actually it was her that I was after but it served them right because I never ever started a fight with anyone

in my whole life. Never have & never will. Bullying is not now or ever was my thing.

I was really lucky I had never sustained serious injuries other than broken jaws, face cuts & swollen knuckles.

The next morning I would wake up in pain swollen in the places I got hit. My hands & fingers would be black &

blue & swollen. Pain takes away pain.

When I was about 3 to 4 years old I was playing with matches & cigarettes I had found in the cab of a really big

truck I had crawled up in & caught the seat of the truck on fire.

That was my first taste & smell of nicotine which really excited me at the time as I remember.

I used to smoke 4

to 6 packs of Pall Malls every day for many years until I was over 50 years old. Nicotine is a good drug.

All of a sudden this very big & mean looking man grabbed me by the arm & yanked me down out of the truck &

began beating the holy hell out of me in a rage until my little body burned & turned red all over.

He threw me on the ground real hard & these two

really big

Great Danes surrounded me & started crying over

me licking

on me.

If that man had come near me again I think they would have killed him. They cuddled &

protected me.

My mom got us the hell out of there the next day.

Around this same time I remember being taken to a place downtown where we had a relative who liked to give

little kids like me enemas.

I have no idea how that affected me but I am sure I was afraid & did not like or enjoy

that

much at all.

When I was 8 years old I was hit by a car, suffered a

upper thigh

fracture

so severe

they told my mom right in

front of me that they may not be able to save my leg & may have to take it off

gangrene

sets in.

I was real

thin but my leg was all black & blue swollen as large as a basketball.

You should have seen the look on her face? I always wondered what kind of look I had on mine?

I think that was the first time I remember dissociating & leaving my body. Who could blame me?

I was on crutches, used canes & wheel chairs for quite some time & had to lay on my back in a full body cast

for over three months. I was out of commission as a normal kid for over two years.

My leg was operated on

twice. The first time to screw the bones together & the second time to take the plates & screws out.

Back in those days the needles were really big & they hurt really bad. Especially the needles surgeons used to

put you to sleep.

I was thrown 35 feet through the air smashed down onto the pavement so you could imagine the pain I was in.

They stuck me with big needles over & over again which contained morphine. My very thin & fragile body

was black & blue all over from the repeated injections

I would beg them for more shots as it hurt so bad. I

became a drug

( morphine )

addict at the age of 8 years old & had to be weaned off the stuff over a period of

time.

The pain of the needles

always took away the pain of my fractures, scrapes, scuffs & bruises so I did the

only

natural thing. I became a pain addict at the age of 8 years old which in reality is the very worst addiction

any

human being could ever have. Who could ever be sicker than to want more & more pain to cover up pain?

And oh yes the enemas over & over again.

That went on for a very long time as I was in a full body cast &

could not get up off my back. I could not even roll over or sit up let alone walk or use a wheel

chair

until the

cast

came off & even then my legs no longer worked being dormant for so long.

When a 1956 Buick going 35 miles per hour hits yo

u square on the side

when you are riding a bicycle it hurts.

There are many other less severe instances of trauma in my early years but the ones I just described seemed

to be the worst to me. My mother had a thing for drunks who often turned violent because of her relentless

attack on them. When I became a teenager I had to defend her from them by becoming violent myself.

My mother used to tell me I was no good just like my father. A father I never knew? She was a Rage-A-Holic

& all you had to do to set her off was be there & make a sound or noise of any type or kind. I very seldom went

home until she & her lovers were off to bed & asleep to avoid the chaos. I started running away from home at a

very early age. That was dangerous & one of the reasons I was hit by a car

at 8 years of age.

When I was 10 or 11 years old a neighbor

molested me, sexually abused me, raped me & abandoned me.

He forced me to

perform oral sex on him & he forced anal sex on me & performed oral sex on me.

He was Catholic

so I suspect maybe a Priest

taught him that stuff. How many times he did this to me

is a mystery as I only remember or recollect that first time which is really all that was

necessary

to really

screw

me up for life.

Therapist believe that was more than likely just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows?

That certainly did not help matters as far as

childhood

trauma & abuse goes.

I am grateful that I

always played out the victim role ( giver ).

I never became

an offender

( taker )

like the person who did this to me.

Some

childhood trauma

victims become offenders & some become victims. I

am the victim type.

I set myself up to be victimized by offenders over & over again & again for many years until I finally hit bottom

& reached out for help.

I spent many more years living in pure hell in compulsive addictive dependency relationships with female

sex, love, romance addicts & co-sex addicts

or alcoholics

all of which were childhood trauma & abuse victims

themselves.

All of them played the offender role ( takers ) in our dependency relationships.

Some

played the cat & mouse game with me & the now she loves me now she don't game until I could not take

the abandonment pain anymore. They would suck me back in & then abandon me again over & over again.

I would always get abandoned in the end when I started to fight back to protect myself from further harm.

At the age of 53 I was so battered & beat up I could not take the

emotional pain & suffering anymore.

I was being abandoned once again by someone that told me they loved & cared about me which was the final

straw. I simply could not go on any longer in that condition it was just to painful & hurtful.

I finally crashed.

I met a guy at a place I was not supposed to be

& he handed me a piece of yellow note book paper

with a

day, time & address on it & suggested I go there to get help.

The address was for an SLAA Meeting.

I had no idea what SLAA was.

I went to the address

walked through a door & into a room full of men that had the same look in their eyes & faces

of all my

past life

abusers

As I made eye contact with them I began to break down & cry.

They just looked at me & smiled.

One of them got up & came to me.

He put his arms around me, held me &

took me the hell out of there.

Believe me I have no desire to go back to where I came from ever again.

Past life o

ffenders ( takers ) ( users ) in recovery did that for me? God works in strange ways? Ask me about it.

You got part of my story. The rest is also pretty bad so I will spare you the grief.

I know what my purpose in life is now. Helping others who still suffer like others had helped me.

I feel good about that. If you suffered the same type of childhood abuse that I did I can help you.

I look back on my life & wonder how in the hell could I have lived for all those years & not get it

that my personal, sexual, romantic & emotional behaviors were self-destructive & severely dysfunctional not to

mention hurtful

& damaging to other people I was supposed to love & care about.

Denial & delusion are very powerful & my story

substantiates

that sad fact of life.

How could I live all those years & not be aware of how severe my childhood

trauma &

abuse really was?

Thinking about it is a nightmare to say the least. The good news is I am in recovery & have been for many

years now. No one ever fully gets over childhood abuse & they must accept that they will never be like

normal people who never suffered childhood abuse. If they are going to be in romantic relationships with

other people they must choose people who understand & accept that about them or it will never be right.

John Bradshaw says they may as well just taken a gun & shot them. That is how bad sexual abuse really is.

It affects them

adversely

for every day of the rest of their lives. I know all to well that is true & correct.

I ask no one to feel sorry for me as I now understand my childhood was just the way it was supposed to be.

I survived & grew up to become a very successful business person & enjoyed all the good things in life

for

many years.

Today those things do not mean to much to me anymore. Love is the only thing I see great value in now

that my thinking & the way I choose to live is so much different than it was in the past. My friends in recovery

loved & accepted me just as I was & taught me how to love & care about myself. I have a family now.

A family I love & care about. They taught me how to take care of that lonely little

hurt

child inside of me.

No one will ever use or abuse him ever again. I will personally see to that. Take my word on that!

Anonymous, recovering sex, love, romance addict, co-sex addict & sexual avoidance addict.

Take what you like & leave the rest.